you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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