im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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