I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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