I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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