At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
