I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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