I showed him my bush... on skype.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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