Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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