I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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