Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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