wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
