she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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