Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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