So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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