They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
