you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
