some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Four minutes until I can fart!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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