i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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