I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
