Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
