if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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