there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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