Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
