I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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