he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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