I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
