I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
