Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
