I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
