I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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