It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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