she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
