Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
