There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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