take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
