If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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