On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
