Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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