if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
