i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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