Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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