The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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