so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
