I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
