Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
