i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
