Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
