Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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