I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
