I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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