Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
