I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
