So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
