Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
