I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
