just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He shit in the fireplace
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