i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
