Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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