Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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