I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
