I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
