My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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