did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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